And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
