mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
