clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize