just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
