I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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