i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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