nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
