Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
