bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
