i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
