highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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