i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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