Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
