So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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