this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
