I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
