the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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