we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
