K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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