Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
