I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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