remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
