If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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