In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
