Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
