Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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