The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
