Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
