im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Couch. On fire.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
