I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
We named our party play list daddy issues
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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