I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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