so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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