Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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