It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
