You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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