Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
