i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
