How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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