I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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