the condom got lost in my hair
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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