ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize