I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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