How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
