an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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