After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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