I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize