Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
