This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
