I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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