Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
