Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
