oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
