My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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