there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
