my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
