his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
