I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize