we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize