I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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