Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
