The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
