Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
