i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
