I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
