I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
