Betty ford says i'm here all night
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
