So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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